Dad dilemmas

 

Lifestyle

 

Dad dilemmas

 

Today’s generation of dads seems busier, more involved and more stressed out than any before. Jon Axworthy asks what is going wrong – and right – and why so many dads feel in crisis

 

 

 

 

 

Everything changes when you become a dad – just ask the nearest bleary-eyed chap whose world has been turned upside down by the arrival of his son or daughter.

 

But the concept of what being a dad is all about is also changing and in the last few decades, society’s expectations have become much more complex.

 

A generation ago, dads were simply expected to bring home the bacon, provide a united front with mum and

work out how to get a collapsible pushchair into the boot.

 

These days, twenty-first century dads faces much stiffer challenges: office hours have lengthened and concepts like shared parental leave and flexible working have combined with seismic social shifts to a point where dads are expected to ‘share the

care’.

 

From day one, more and more dads are seizing the opportunity to

be hands-on as they take advantage of the shared parental leave scheme. And this new attitude continues long after shared leave has ended, with mums now relying on their partners for more than just the occasional nappy change and Saturday morning trip to the park.

 

Basic conflicts

 

‘Many dads are in a state of confusion at the moment because certain sections of society are asking that they change and get more involved with their children, while others require them to occupy the more traditional role,’ says Professor Marian Baird, a work and family expert at Sydney University.

 

‘Domestic presenteeism is now amped up for modern day dads,

while work presenteeism hasn’t really changed in the last 50 years, so something has got to give,’ she adds.

 

Contributing to this dad dilemma is the fact that today’s fathers exist in very different socio-economic times from their fathers, and women are no longer expected to exchange a career for raising a family and are more likely than ever to be the highest earners in

the household.

 

Rising childcare bills and commuting costs also mean that many men can no longer afford to have an ego about being the main breadwinner and if it makes financial sense for mum to continue working too, then it’s a choice that many families are making.

 

The IPPR think tank found that the proportion of women carrying the main financial responsibility for their family had increased by about 50 per cent since 1996. Ironically, according to research from the men’s mental health charity CALM, this has impacted on

men quite negatively as they are three times more likely to feel pressured to be the main breadwinner in their relationship.

 

John Adams decided to give up his career in communications to become more involved with his daughters Helen, eight, and Izzy, four. He thinks there is a further pressure. ‘Dads may not necessarily feel under pressure to be the breadwinner, but they tend to feel there’s an expectation that they should work full time because that’s what men do. My wife out-earned me and I personally didn’t feel this pressure. For us it was a choice, but not everyone is able to have that choice.’

 

 

 

Me-time: a partner’s essential guide

 

If your man is looking a little down in the mouth, here are some tried-and-tested ‘me time’ ideas:

 

1. A day pass for the football to include some pub-based, post match analysis.

 

2. Exercise outdoors. Whether it’s a run in the sun or a suburban bike ride, it’s amazing what fresh air and exercise can do for a man’s mood.

 

3. A craft beer-tasting session. Hey, it’s educational.

 

4. Dusting off that guitar, drums, or bagpipes. Whatever it is (and however it might sound to the neighbours) it’s probably doing him a lot of good.

 

5. Taking up a new hobby – even if it is golf.

 

6. Walkies with the family pet. Finally, something in his life that doesn’t throw a tantrum and does what he says!

 

7. A track day. After sedately and safely ferrying around the little ones all week, it’s time for him to unleash his inner Hamilton.

 

8. Rediscovering an old hobby – even if it is metal detecting.

 

9. Listening to his favourite album in the car – one that isn’t

prefixed with the word ‘singalong’.

 

10. Anything that he can do on his own terms

and in his own time.

 

Fatherhood penalty

 

There is another conundrum for dads, highlighted by the Working

Families charity. In a survey involving nearly 3,000 working parents, the charity identified something called the ‘fatherhood penalty’. Almost half of the working fathers surveyed wanted to downshift to a less stressful job because they found it difficult to

balance the demands of work and family life. And just over a third of the dads interviewed revealed that they would be willing to take a pay cut to achieve better work-life balance.

 

The Working Families report found that only one in five families believe they are striking the right balance between income and family time.

 

Seven out of 10 families said that they worked flexibly to be there for their children, but the survey also found that many fathers admitted that ‘being seen to do long hours’ is still significant in their workplace culture.

 

Sarah Jackson, chief executive of Working Families, stresses: ‘Employers need to ensure that work is designed in a way that helps women and men find a good work-life fit. Making roles

flexible by default, and a healthy dose of realism when it comes to what can be done in the hours available, are absolutely vital.’

 

According to research from CALM, dads are now trying to live up to

impossible standards of being both a career man and a more present father at home too.

 

Just as today’s dads acknowledge that more is expected from them

at home, they perhaps also have to accept that their own expectations of how long they need to spend at work are outdated and are often a hangover from what they saw their dads doing.

Casting off that self-imposed pressure could help them get the wind in their sails again and leave the doldrums behind.

 

Where today’s dad gains…

 

A greater chance to bond with their newborn

 

More opportunities to be a role model

 

Possibly more disposable family income

 

More family time

 

Where today’s dad could lose out…

 

Losing touch with friends

 

Career confusion

 

Chronic levels of stress

 

Less me-time

 

 

Mark: a question of managing priorities

 

Mark Smith is a managing director at Accenture and dad to Louis, aged two.

 

‘I always try and do at least two bath times a week,’ he says. ‘This takes planning but, when I can, I leave work at 5:30 to be home in time. It’s likely that I will then log on later.

 

‘It’s important to manage your own priorities and routines. You move away from the need for presenteeism: it’s about getting work done and deciding on a model which works for you.’

 

 

 

 

September/October 2017

All information is correct at time of publishing